If I were the supreme commander of a highly advanced but malevolent alien race intent on conquering Earth, I wouldn’t just send in a fleet of starships and start blasting away with paratrethiconic quantum phased lithmogrium bursts. Why, these primitive humans might not appreciate what invincible genius they were witnessing. Like apes attacking a particle accelerator by throwing bananas at it, they might decide to detonate one of their crude nuclear devices at my delicate equipment with the annoying result that I would then be forced to waste resources recalibrating it.
No. Rather, a shrewd commander would save his valuable resources and conquer the target planet by stealth. Better yet, he would allow them to conquer themselves. It would be a simple matter to seed small tidbits of technological advancement into their culture. Of course, the technology would need to be something obsolete by my standards, with little military value, yet just beyond the threshold of their current capabilities. Furthermore, it would have to be done in such a way that they would believe that they themselves had invented it. Then, obsessed by the lust to corner the market, they would foist our technology upon their fellow drones during peak buying rituals. The pitiful cattle would literally trample each other for the privilege of owning their own personal copy of our Trojan horse. If managed with finesse, they would end up literally thanking their captors for their own subjugation, even going so far as to label their new toys with such symbolic names as “Android” or “Apple”. (For anybody unfamiliar with the “Apple” reference, please read the story of Eve and the snake in the Garden of Eden.)
Well, the good news is that we needn’t worry our little heads about such things. Thankfully, there isn’t some malevolent alien race attempting to conquer us. Conventional wisdom assures us that the only entities bent on such nefarious goals are quite earthbound. That certainly is comforting. As much time and money as folks devote to their apps, It would be frightening if they were being used as a mind-numbing zombie-producing sedative, or some sort of a hypnotic indoctrination technique.
But, no worries! Those nifty little apps are perfectly harmless. At the minimum, they serve as cute remedies for boredom or clever ways to boost efficiency and enhance productivity. At the other end of the spectrum, they may very well be the crowning achievement of our entire civilization. So, with that cleared up, let me just review a few popular apps in order to illustrate their value.
Basically, you can break apps down into categories such as Games, Travel, Entertainment, Social, Lifestyle, Business, Photography, etc. Perhaps the largest and most popular app category is the game category. Who can resist a good game? Games are intellectually numbing…I mean…stimulating. They help improve thumb motor skills and increase blood flow to the adrenal gland.
A classic example is the game known as “Angry Birds”. This app truly illustrates how far mankind has come since the stone age. Back in the knuckle dragging days, with nothing better to do, men commiserated with each other’s sorry existence over a crude game of Chess, Go, Seti, Mah Jongg or Mancala. Boooring! Who wants to sit around shuffling pebbles on a table, when he could be jamming out to an exciting game of Angry Birds?
What! Never heard of it? What rock have you been hiding under? Picture this: Pigs. Pigs everywhere! Nasty, smelly grunty pigs. Oh, what can we do? What can we do? These pigs keep hiding behind obstacles made out of wood, stone and whatnot. Get them out of here. How can we bust up the obstacles? How can we chase the pigs away? All I have is a slingshot. Oh, wait! What’s this? A birdie? A red birdie? An angry red birdie? Why is the birdie angry? He seems to be angry at the pigs. Awesome! So am I. Maybe birdie and I can work together to solve this problem. Nah! Too touchy-feely. I’ll just stuff this angry bird in my slingshot and shoot him at the pigs. Spaang! Sorry birdie. I guess this just wasn’t your day.
No, seriously! That’s the game. You shoot angry birds at pigs with a slingshot. Period. Isn’t that great? It helps vent aggression. No protocol. No deep thinking. No complicated move sequences to keep track of. You just shoot at creatures by using smaller creatures as projectiles.
One more quick game review will demonstrate the sophistication level of modern gaming. “Hatoful Boyfriend” is one of the most downloaded game apps of 2020. The premise of this brilliant game is simple: It’s a pigeon dating simulator. No, you read that right. Pigeons. You know, rats with wings? As a pigeon you get to fail at love, squabble (Get it? Squab? Squabble? A squab is a baby pige… aw, never mind) and die. It’s a short life, but you you and your bird of a feather flock together, enjoying it while it lasts, sharing cozy little intimate dinners of tire tread imprinted french fries after which you take turns crapping on a statue. That is, if you can find any statues left standing in 2020.
Moving on to the Travel category, we find an array of popular apps designed to help us locate services of various sorts while in a strange place. For instance apps such as Expedia, iExit, GasBuddy, or Kayak can identify eateries, gas stations, car rentals or hotels. This, of course, is an absolute godsend. So much better than the old method of looking around and reading nearby signs. After all, who can guess what double golden arches are supposed to mean? The gold color could indicate a bank. The arches might suggest cascades of gasoline pouring out of a gas pump nozzle. The twin configuration might be symbolic of a pair of pillows at the head of a hotel room bed. Very confusing! Apps clearly simplify one’s travel experience.
In the Lifestyle category, there are some really exciting options. Mixology would probably be one of my favorites if I were a drinker. This handy app lets you input what alcohols and mixers you have on hand, and then offers up possible libations that can be created from them. After all who can keep track of complex liquor ingredients after you’ve had a few?
Those who use the Mixology app a lot will find that it dovetails nicely with the WebMD app. It would work something like this:
“Mishen, Lister! I ain’t any more under the –hiccup– affluensh of inkahol than shum people may think I am. I only had two martinizh, and anyway, the drunker I shtay here the longer I get…oof! Tardblum it! Who moved that wall into my way?”
“Tee-hee! I think you dropped your pocket, and now your faish izh bleed –hiccup– bl-blee…leaking! Tee-heee-heee!”
“Izhit shposed to leak like that?”
“I dunno, but I don’t think your ear izh shposta be on your chin. Teee-heee!”
“It ain’t? Well shtop laughin’ an’ look it up on my WebMD app.”
“Hey! Tee-hee! Look at thish cute shkeleton. He’s hot!”
In the Entertainment category, the hands down clear winner is the Netflix app. Wow! We sure have come a long way in a few short years. It seemed like it was only yesterday when big screen TV’s were all the rage. Back then people had the quaint notion that the bigger the screen, the more enjoyable one’s movie viewing experience would be. Now it seems that squinting is cool. Personally, I have to admit that I haven’t quite gotten the hang of it yet. I tried watching an old M.A.S.H episode on my phone the other day. I was halfway through before I realized I was actually watching The Ghosts of War instead. But that wasn’t half as embarrassing as getting arrested for watching child porn. It took me forever to explain to the judge that I had only been watching Netflix’s latest original series. After all, if it’s on Netflix, it must be legal. Right?
I could mention dozens of other apps, but I think I have provided enough examples to illustrate my point. Thanks to the wizardry of modern phone apps, our civilization has clearly advanced to a level of cultural sophistication and intellectual superiority unparalleled by any other people in the prior history of the world.
I do have one gripe, though. There just don’t seem to be enough apps available for Alaskans. Not all Alaskans seem to appreciate many of the popular ones. For instance, Google Earth doesn’t work very well in most of Alaska. Zipcar doesn’t make much sense in rural Alaska either, especially in a village that gets around primarily by snow machine. However, I can think of a few apps that would come in really handy.
With all the food apps on the market, I don’t see why a camp cooking app can’t be made. How many charcoal briquettes do I need to pile on the lid of my dutch oven if I want to bake a batch of bannock? How long do I soak my gorp before it’s soft enough to eat? A wild mushroom and wild-berry identification app would help provide variety to the wilderness menu.
How about a fire lighter app? Swipe the touch screen, and—whoosh! A flame shoots out of the microphone to ignite your campfire or wood stove. If that would cause too many problems with TSA, how about at least a hand-warmer app? Or a smoker app for quick hickory smoking your game in the field?
Then you could have the Wyoming knife or ulu app. In my book, that would be a real winner. Shoot your trophy bull moose, then whip out your iPhone, take a picture of him to post on Instagram and then field dress him with the same device. For that matter, why not a game calling app? Let your app emit a moose grunt or a coyote yelp. It could scream like a rabbit or squawk like a mallard. There’s no reason why an app couldn’t store a call for every species on the North American continent.
When fishing, a lure app would be great. Simply tie your smart phone to your fishing line, attach a hook and select your chosen lure simulator, whether it be a spoon, spinner, crankbait, or even a dry fly. Then cast it out and watch it work its electronic magic.
Someday, maybe I’ll start my own app company and market some of my great ideas to fellow Alaskans. After all it’s past time we moved into the twenty-first century. I’m convinced that it would only take a few outstanding apps to make our state a better place. And I’m not the only one who thinks so. My new buddy, sLarin-5 who flies down to visit each evening in his cool Frisbee shaped airplane agrees with me. In fact, I think he’s the one who suggested it.
I don’t know why I’m such a sucker for the “handy tips” routine. I should know better by now. These insidious tips always appear to come from innocent appearing sources: a cute e-mail from an old friend, a slightly damaged book on the discount rack at Barnes and Noble, an offhand comment by a trusted co-worker, a suggestion key-scratched into the paint job of my double-parked vehicle. Whatever it’s origin, the handy tip invariably sneaks up on me in such an earthy, homespun disguise, that I never realize what has happened until I have ended up as its tragic victim—again!
For example, I was told that Super Glue works for closing wounds. My source even related how that when they had gone to the Emergency Room, the doctor on call used Super Glue instead of sutures. I thought that was the neatest idea I’d ever heard, and couldn’t wait to try it. Wouldn’t you know, the very next week I was lucky enough to be able to do just that. While cutting up some firewood with my chainsaw, I accidentally cut the toe off my boot. When I removed my boot, I discovered that my big toe had decided to stay behind and keep the boot company. Eager to try out my handy tip, I hopped into the house on one leg to break out the Super Glue.
Disappointingly, the stuff didn’t work at all. In retrospect, I think the copious nature of my bleeding kept hosing the glue away before it could set properly. Worse than that, I must have been a little careless with the Super Glue at some point, because next thing I knew, my toe was stuck fast to three of my fingers. My wife had to drive me into the clinic to have my severed toe surgically amputated from my hand. That wasted a lot of time that could have been spent re-attaching my toe. Now my left big toe looks kind of like a baby carrot that’s been in the fridge for six months.
Then there was the time I read somewhere that pet fish grow bigger if they are put in a bigger aquarium. That spawned a brilliant plan in my mind. On my next trip to Fairbanks, I bought a whole bag full of those cheap little feeder goldfish. I could hardly suppress my glee. So much for grocery shopping. In fact, so much for Chitina. Never again would I have to climb up and down that treacherous bank wrestling with a cooler loaded with two hundred pounds of slimy, stinking salmon. Never again would I have to tie myself off to the rocks and dangle my dip net into the savage current of the Copper River in a gamble that I could catch my winter’s meat before the river tore my arms out of their sockets.
As soon as I got home, I filled my bathtub with water and dumped the feeder fish in it. Pulling up a chair, I shepherded my little school of future fillets for several hours. Partly because I wanted to witness their first growth spurt, and partly because I had to fend off my wife who was vowing to flush them all down the toilet so she could take a bath. The women they are married to appreciate geniuses least, I’ve discovered.
Alas, my fish farm dreams never reached fruition. The next morning, I rushed down to tend my investment only to find most of my livestock floating belly up. I was deeply chagrinned to observe that their tragic little corpses hadn’t grown at all, even though my bathtub was significantly bigger than the cramped tank at the pet store where I had found them.
I just wish I knew why they died. Of course, my wife did little to comfort me during my season of mourning. On the contrary, she goaded me with the baseless accusation that if I had wiped my soap ring out of the tub before I plopped them in there, they might have stayed alive long enough for her to whip me up at least get one good meal out of them. I think she mentioned something about force-feeding me a minnow stir fry, or a pot of goldfish chowder!
Another handy tip suggested that kitty litter could be used to provide traction on your icy sidewalks and steps. Boy was that a mistake! It turns out that those frozen little cat turds stick to your boots, and then when you come inside they fall off, thaw, and get ground into the carpet. My wife threatened to make them into a chowder for me too!
A while back, the zipper on my jacket was stuck. As I wrestled with it, I remembered a handy tip I had read somewhere: “To make a zipper slide up and down more smoothly, rub a bar of soap over the teeth.” Whoever said that should be dragged in front of a national press conference and shot. That soap tasted awful, and I was blowing bubbles for a week! It made my teeth squeak, too, and it didn’t do anything for my zipper!
Speaking of soap, never follow this tip: “When pins become difficult to push through a diaper or fabric, push the pin into a bar of soap.” It was my wife who had tried this one. Evidently the phone rang before she had finished, and then she forgot about it until she was vividly reminded of it the next morning by my blood-curdling scream from the shower. Rushing into the bathroom, she found me dancing about in agony with a bar of soap skewered to my underarm!
A well-intentioned family friend dropped the handy tip that feeding your dog Brewer’s Yeast and garlic will keep the fleas away. This turned out to be one tip that actually worked. What my misguided friend failed to mention is that it will keep you away from your pet too! If you’ve ever been licked in the face by a dog that has been feasting on Brewer’s Yeast and garlic, you will never forget the experience. I had to rinse my face off with raw sewer, just to get rid of the smell!
Some handy tips are downright dangerous! I had a neighbor suggest that when a light bulb breaks, it can be easily removed by pushing a raw potato into the base and twisting the broken light bulb out. I guess my neighbor never did that experiment in high school where you stick a couple of galvanized nails into a pair of potatoes and use them for a battery to power a clock. Couple that conductive capability with the household current flowing into the broken stub of the light bulb, and you have enough potential “OOMPH” there to knock you off of your step ladder and fling you across the room.
It only seems to affect certain people that way, though. My wife was able to step over my smoldering body, flick the light switch off, and use the potato to unscrew the broken bulb with absolutely no ill effects. She must have some sort of natural genetic immunity, although she claims I’m the one with the immunity. Only she calls it congenital buffoonity. Whatever that’s supposed to mean.
Another dangerous tip goes like this: “Frozen water pipes can safely and easily be thawed out by using an ordinary hair dryer nozzle directed at the frozen pipe.” Seems pretty harmless, doesn’t it? Easy too. So when my sewer line froze up, I thought I’d give it a shot. Now the situation was complicated slightly by the fact that this was a buried sewer line. I couldn’t just go down in the basement and apply the hair drier to the area of the pipe in question. However, using my Alaskan ingenuity, I improvised a solution to the problem.
My wife had one of those nifty little hair roller/hair drier combos. I securely duct taped a long extension cord onto the curler’s plug, waded into the water pool that had overflowed onto the bathroom floor, turned it on and flushed it down the toilet. At least I started to. Unexpectedly, as soon as the contraption hit the water, I found myself enveloped in a crackling blue cage of lightning. The hair curler and I sort of convulsed around the bathroom together–locked in the embrace of a macabre pulsing dance–gyrating to the bass buzz of electrically energized commode water until my wife unplugged the extension cord.
Other handy tips, though not as dangerous, can sure be a nuisance. Like the one that claims placing cucumber peels on the kitchen will keep ants out of your house. Maybe so, but I think I would prefer ants to the snowshoe hares that were attracted to the cucumber peelings. Since the infestation, every day at my house is a bad hare day.
Now when I come downstairs for a drink of water in the middle of the night and switch on the light, instead of seeing cockroaches scurrying for cover, I see a receding hare line. Every time I turn on the radio the dial has been changed to a hip-hop station. The other day I opened my refrigerator and there was a hare sitting in there. The following conversation ensued:
Hare: Eh, what’s up, doc?
Me: I was about to ask you the same question. What are you doing in my refrigerator?
Hare: This is a Westinghouse isn’t it?
Me: Yes, so what?
Hare: Well, I’m westing!
Frankly, I’m tired of being on the receiving end of handy tips. I think I’ll go on the offensive. I’m going to close by dedicating a few handy tips of my own to all those folks who have dropped me tips through the years:
Handy Tip #1: Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
Handy Tip #2: Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers set to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Handy Tip #3: No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
There comes a point in the evolution of any great civilization which marks the apex of its rise. That, of course, is a good thing. This culminating moment of pomp, glory, power, and dignity will be the standard by which its character is remembered by the historians and poets of cultures yet to become a coffee stain on the annals of history.
That also is a bad thing, because by its very definition an apex means that the top has been reached. Even as the civilization struts, crowing and preening atop its precarious apex, the inevitable reality remains that such a civilization has nowhere left to go but down. Great civilizations never decline, they free fall.
This being so, it would appear that if we want to preserve our way of life as we know it for ourselves and our kids, the best way to do this is to postpone the apex. In other words, we need to slightly sabotage our country’s ascent to greatness. Not in a big way–no revolutions or coups or anything, just annoying little things to gum up the works, so to speak, in order to fend off the impending apex.
As Pliny the Elder so eloquently phrased it, “Da country, she get too big for her britches, she gonna go BOOM!” Of course, I was quick to tell Pliny that he had better pay attention to what he was doing and stop shouting in my ear or I was going to have to get a new barber. The last time he waxed philosophical while he was cutting my hair, he cut one sideburn three inches shorter than the other one. Who does he think he is? A Roman historian?
He has point, though, as soon as we become a really great nation, we’ve had it. Once we reach the apex, we might as well wax up our snowboards, because we are on the slippery slope now. Bye-bye apex, hello Kleenex! At that point we would do ourselves a favor to hunt up the nearest barbarian or Hun and hand him the title to our real estate and the keys to our SUV.
So before we reach the lamentable apex of greatness, I urge each of my readers to make it a point of personal patriotism to nip the ascent of our civilization in the bud. Once the dogs are eating corpses in the street, and tanks are reducing rioters to textured blacktop sealer, just about anyone can develop a touch of nostalgia for the “good old days”, but by then the point would be a bit moot.
They say that the foundation of a culture is its family unit. Strong families make strong communities, they say, and strong communities make strong nations. Now you cannot have a strong family without harmony and peace and all that, so here is where you can all do your civic duty to preserve our heritage.
Let’s all make a point to undermine each other’s sleep!
That’s right. Everyone who sleeps with a bed partner can begin this very night to sabotage your family harmony, which will then degrade the family unit, which in turn will weaken our communities and ultimately bog down our country’s mad race to greatness and its subsequent plummet into anarchy and ruin. If you love your country and your family, then, please observe the following checklist on a nightly basis. In advance, your country thanks you.
‘Neath the rude quilt that arched the bed
Their nostrils in the breeze unfurled;
Here once lax, drooling lips were spread
And fired the snore heard ‘round the world.
There you have it, my dear readers and compatriots–a manifesto for the longevity and preservation of our great nation. Heed it, and you can rest assured that posterity will bless you. Ignore it and the miserable, sordid collapse of an entire civilization will be your fault. It’s up to you. Will you rise…er, retire to the challenge?
I wish someone would pass a law making it illegal for anyone to own or operate a vehicle unless their name is identical to the one on my Driver’s License. Although at first glance, that may seem a little extreme, I am convinced that such a course of action is really the only way to get rid of all the idiots out there on the road. Every time I take a drive, I swear that I see at least a dozen such idiots behind the steering wheels of hurtling steel and glass weapons of mass destruction.
Shockingly enough, when someone’s idiotic driving habits force me to pass them on a blind curve, frequently I’ll look over at the driver on my way past and discover that it is someone I know. In real life, these morons appear to be completely normal, rational people, but put them behind a steering wheel and they enter their own universe, oblivious to the rules of common courtesy and civilized society.
Whenever I can catch their eye, I mouth earnest words of admonition, pumping the air with my closed fist to demonstrate my sincerity. It seems to have no effect. They look sharply away and stare fixedly at the road ahead while their knuckles grow white on the top of their steering wheel. They are obviously set in their ways and have closed their minds to any constructive criticism.
It is in hopes of appealing to at least one idiot’s sense of shame that I offer a list of the five most common idiotic driving mistakes. I can only hope that by reading the following list in black and white, a glimmer of understanding will be sparked that may in time persuade them to moderate the hazardous behaviors which daily place responsible drivers like me at risk.
The first idiotic driving habit is the improper use of turn signals. I don’t know how many times I have witnessed a driver dutifully activating their turn signal for the last hundred feet before their turn and then canceling it immediately upon completing the turn. It makes me crazy! Such drone-like thinking can get you killed! Creativity. Improvisation. That’s what keeps drivers alive on the highways.
Think of the driver’s manual as a brainstorming resource. It gives you the raw material to stimulate your thinking. From its sketchy outline of suggestions there are limitless possibilities for expansion and customization until you have developed a driving style which is distinctive to you.
Turn signals provide the perfect example. Imagine the possibilities of using those under-appreciated blinking lights in a variety of scenarios. I’ve noticed for instance that if I leave my left turn signal on after I’ve made my turn, I don’t have to worry about people passing me. I find this technique especially useful on a gravel road, where a vehicle passing on my left might very easily throw a rock into my windshield. An additional advantage is that I can see clearly without having to eat the dust of some idiot in front of me. This technique significantly elevates the safety and comfort of my driving experience.
Another creative way I have found to use my turn signals is to wait until a car’s length prior to my turn before activating them. Of course, I begin slowing down at least 1500 feet before the turn and for safety’s sake, I always like to come to a complete stop before initiating the turn, so that I can evaluate the texture of the road surface and visually note all traffic in or approaching the intersection. I do this any time I get a bad vibe about the turn. I don’t want to commit myself to turning until I’m absolutely sure that it’s safe.
It’s a good thing I do, too. You wouldn’t believe the experiences I’ve had at intersections. It is not at all uncommon to have some idiot roar by me on the left, just after I’ve executed my pre-turn stop, but prior to activating my left turn signal. If I hadn’t stopped when I did, there could have been a nasty collision.
Many times when I’m decelerating to make a right-hand turn, I’ll notice a vehicle just sitting at the intersection with their car idling, staring at me. I tell you, this world’s full of kooks! I go ahead and do my safety stop, and begin evaluating the intersection. At this point, the guy in the driver’s seat of the parked car frequently intensifies his stare and begins flapping his arms about, fingers spread and palms upturned. It gives me the creeps, I tell you!
I hesitate, trying to decide if I should commit to turning so close to a driver with obvious mental health issues. I decide to risk it. I flick on my right turn signal. My goodness! The faces some people can make! I think I’ve gotten more one fingered salutes in situations like this than in any other. Suddenly the idiot stomps his accelerator, laying smoking rubber for half a mile as he squeals out into the intersection and away! Where are the cops when you need them?
A third technique is to not use the turn signals at all. As an American citizen, I have a right to my privacy and in the rare situation where I want someone to know that I’m turning, I’ll use my signals. After all, I know when I want to turn, and when I’m ready, I simply do it. This saves wear and tear on the light bulb and effectively conceals my intentions from any credit collectors or State Troopers that might be following me.
The second idiotic driving habit on my list regards the usage of high beam headlights. I can’t stress enough the importance of driving with your high beams on at all times. Alaska is literally crawling with moose and bears and bison and hitchhikers and mailboxes ready to leap out in front of you at any moment. The more long range visibility you have, the safer your trip will be.
And yet it never fails that while driving after dark, some oncoming vehicle will have his lights on low beam, barely dribbling a puddle of light mere feet in front of his vehicle. That’s all fine and good. Whatever gives them their jollies! The really annoying thing is that inevitably the idiot starts flicking his high beams off and on—off and on. Why can’t they make up their mind? I try to ignore them and go about my driving, when–wouldn’t you know it?—they wait until they are almost abreast of me and then suddenly flick on a bank of fog lights that are rack-mounted on the roof of their pickup cab! I go instantly blind and nearly drive off the road! Don’t these people have any compassion?
The third idiotic driving habit involves people that can’t drive a decent speed. Literally everybody but me either drives too fast or too slow. There are a couple of techniques for dealing with idiots like these.
If they are traveling too fast, they will come up behind you. When you notice them gaining rapidly in your rearview mirror, simply steer to the left until your vehicle is straddling the center lane. Stay there until you arrive at your destination, only moving back into your lane briefly to allow approaching traffic to pass. You will find that this simple technique will encourage everyone behind you to travel at a sensible speed.
If, on the other hand, the idiot is driving too slowly, simply approach the back of his vehicle until your hood ornament obscures his license plate. Maintain this distance until the slowpoke accelerates to a reasonable speed, or pulls off of the road. I guarantee that you will see results within 15 miles. If not, repeated and prolonged application of your horn should be supplemented until the desired result is achieved.
The last three idiotic driving habits may not always be relevant in much of Alaska, but seem to be chronic in the lower 48. In the sordid realms that we Alaskans call “outside”, where you find interstate highways intertwined with vast complexes of secondary roads, thrives a whole new breed of idiots. Beware of them when you find it necessary to leave the comfortable frost heaves and potholes of our fair state.
There you will encounter things called “interstate entrance ramps”. Be not deceived. This is merely an innocuous name for some of the most diabolical death traps ever devised by highway engineers. The idea is for a driver to launch his vehicle off of this thing into a four lane wide, 70 mph raging river of tractor trailers and Greyhound buses.
Caution and common sense would scream at you to slowly drive to the bottom of the ramp, park, and wait for the traffic to go away before entering the interstate highway. That’s what I do, and you will notice that I am still alive today. I seem to be one of an overwhelmed minority, though. You should see the idiots! Rather than slowing down and proceeding with caution, they literally accelerate down the ramp and recklessly plunge into a tiny gap between hurtling semis! What can I say? The insanity speaks for itself.
Then you have what I call the “sheep factor”. Once you successfully enter the interstate highway system, you find yourself on a road where two or three lanes are going the same direction. It’s exactly like a one way street in Fairbanks, except completely different. So here you are on three perfectly good lanes, with no oncoming traffic. Where can you drive? Come-on, folks, this isn’t rocket science. They’re all going the same direction! It doesn’t matter! Pick a lane any lane, but for Pete’s sake, pick one that gives you a little reaction time, right?
Wrong! These idiots will actually get in a row in the right lane and follow each other for hundreds of miles. To the left of them beckon one or two inviting lanes with not nearly as much traffic, yet they continue to congest the right lane, playing follow the leader. Surreally, nobody seems to understand the potential for disaster here. What if the guy four cars ahead of you stops suddenly? What do you have? The domino effect: a multi-vehicle pileup, right?
So here’s what I do. I move all the way over to the left lane and I stay there. I’m driving the same speed they are, in the same direction they are, yet without the risks. If I wasn’t as humble as I am, I’d call myself brilliant. An added perk is that I end up being the leader of my own string of followers. Behind me, as far as I can see, there are two solid lines of traffic, yet before me, the highway is clear. I usually wind up being literally the only one on the interstate that doesn’t have to worry about rear-ending the guy in front of him. I guess not everyone has been blessed with my instincts for safety.
The last idiotic driving behavior on my list involves what they call a “four-way stop”. This is where you have a crossroad, yet all four lanes entering the intersection display a stop sign. How stupid is that? Four cars arrive at the intersection within seconds of each other. All four have a stop sign. There they sit! Whoever came up with that arrangement must have just crossed the thin line between genius and insanity!
As you may have guessed, I am very safety minded in my driving habits. That’s more than can be said of the 9 million people who are sitting at a four way stop as you read this sentence. From my experience, they will begin to randomly proceed through the intersection. I never have discovered a pattern to their decision process. It’s not clockwise, and it’s not counterclockwise, it’s just willy nilly. It’s a miracle that four way stop intersections aren’t a perpetual smoldering pile of shattered glass, twisted steel and corpses!
Being the sensible, cautions man that I am, I always let everyone else go first. If I notice another vehicle arriving at the intersection, I wait for him, too. It’s the only decent and safe thing to do. You’d think the other drivers would appreciate my courtesy, but they don’t. Sometimes they get downright rude! They flash their lights and honk their horns and give me the one-fingered salute.
That used to puzzle me and bother me a lot, but I finally figured out that most drivers are threatened by competency. It shines the spotlight on their idiocy, and I guess that must be a really uncomfortable feeling. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had that issue.
Well, I don’t mean to cut this short, but I’ve got to run to the store before they close. I’m not looking forward to it. I’d be willing to bet that while I’m en route I will encounter another vehicle. Between that driver and myself, one of us will be driving like an idiot. I don’t need to tell you which one.
By George M. Hosier II
Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the arctic ride of Raul Pevere,
In middle of winter, of seventy-five;
How the man did ever survive
Is a secret we’ll never know, I fear.
He said to his wife, “I’m out of beer
So I’m making a run to the town to-night.”
Said his wife, “That’s madness this time of the year!
The thermometer glinting ‘neath Northern lights
Is pegged at sixty and five below!
You leave, and you’ll never come back, you know.
Drunk as you are, I bet my right arm,
You’re setting yourself up for ruin and harm.
Please stay by the fire with me where it’s warm.”
But he growled “Good-night!” and with teeth clenched tight
Lurched silently into the frost-laden night,
Just as the moon rose over his cache
Now starkly devoid of his alcohol stash.
But long winter nights make some men drink
And most drink more than they’d like to think.
Across the valley an all-night bar
Called Raul’s name like a siren’s song
And the cold bit deep and the wind howled strong
As he fumbled with keys to his car.
Meanwhile, his wife with slipper-shod feet
Rushes outside, propelled by her fears
And grabs for the keys, but her husband veers–
She slips in the snow and with heavy heart
Watches him climb in the driver’s seat!
But his triumph is hollow for it appears
Cars at these temperatures don’t like to start.
Then he burrowed frantic through hand-split birch
In the woodshed where he’d stored his sled.
He barked his knuckles and bonked his head,
And startled the ravens from their perch
On the black spruce rafters that o’er him made
Masses and moving shapes of shade,–
With a trembling hand he dug and tossed
‘Til, to his relief, he came across
His snow machine, and he squealed with glee
At finding a method to guarantee
That the miles to town he now could cross.
His bad back spasmed; and made him shout,
As he seized the Snow-go by force of will,
Drug it to the top of the hill,
And pointed it toward the snow-choked rout
That led to booze-soaked happy hour
There to bask in Bacchus’ bower.
The watchful night wind seemed to whisper,
“The road is long; the cold grows crisper.”
Yet for only a moment he felt the dread
Of the lonely tundra that stretched ahead;
For suddenly all his thoughts converge
On a shadowy need–a poignant urge
To be blowing cash in a reckless splurge
On bosom pals he’d barely met
And whose love endured while their glass stayed wet.
Wheezing, impatient to mount and ride,
Mittened and booted with stumbling stride
To the starter cord handle Raul Pevere
All his tugging strength applied.
But the cold caused the brittle spring to shear.
Raul’s momentum flung him to earth,
Where all the weight of his ample girth
Contorted his ankle with a crunch
That nearly compelled him to toss his lunch.
Yet he rose again to pursue the fight,
Lonely and spectral and somber and white.
And lo! As he scans his homestead plot
A nicker, and then a quizzical trot!
He limps to the paddock, infused with hope
And after a chase, his mule he had caught
Assisted by a short length of rope.
A hurry of hoofs on the glacial lane,
A shape in the moonlight, a bulk in the dark,
And beneath from the permafrost, icy shards arc,
Struck out by a saturnine steed with its mane
Frozen stiff–its ice-fogged breath forms a haze.
The mule and its rider press on in a daze
And the shards struck out by that steed formed a glaze
That still in June would mark the terrain.
It was twelve by the village clock
When they crossed the bridge just east of town.
The mule moved in a shuffling walk
And the barking of a husky dog
Failed to pierce their mental fog,
For their bodies’ cores were shutting down.
It was one by the village clock,
When a patron at the craved saloon
Noticed them like a frosty rock
Standing stiff in the parking lot.
And Raul’s fingers clenching the frozen reins
Were hard as links of an iron chain.
His beard was set with freeze-dried snot,
And it glittered in the light of the moon.
It was two by the paramedic’s watch
When they got Pevere pried from off his mule.
His feeble bleating for a fifth of Scotch
Brought the toughest EMT’s to tears,
But they could smell he’d had too many beers.
They gently eased the fragile fool
Out of his saddle and into a bed,
Taking great care not to let him fall,
Lest he shatter a limb or head.
Then gave his wife an urgent call.
You guessed the rest. In the books you have read
How drinking in winter can make you dead,–
How what you sow at 40 below
You’ll reap in spades among the snow.
Harmless stunts where palm trees thrive,
Are death traps when Jack Frost arrives.
Raul’s survival was not due to smarts,
And now he’s missing some body parts.
In the cold and the dark, I hope you will heed,
I pray you will waken and listen to hear
The staggering hoof-beats of that steed,
And the midnight folly of Raul Pevere.
I used to read a lot when I was a kid. Some of my favorite stories were about horses. Ironically, Ernest Hemingway was one of my favorite authors. I always resented the fact that Hemingway hadn’t written more about horses, and less about more boring subjects like bullfighting and boxing and wars and fishing. I bet if he had set his mind to it, he could have written a classic horse story.
Since he hadn’t written anything like that, though, I had to create my own equestrian adventures. I fantasized about finding a gorgeous unwanted horse that I could tame for myself after the mean rancher guy had failed. It would stare at me, ears perked, neck arched, nostrils flaring, expecting to be chased or beaten. But I would be patient. After a few days it would be eating out of my hand. A few days after that we would be galloping bare-backed across the countryside, boy and beast melded together in a heady camaraderie of mutual respect and eternal friendship. Every night when I knelt by my bed, I begged heaven to send a wild horse to my back yard. Any old Lippizaner or Sorraia or Posan would do. The truth was, though, that I would have settled for a 30 year old, toothless, worn-out draft horse.
I don’t know exactly when the dream began to fade, but once I got a job and a wife with the accompanying responsibilities, the keen yearning for a horse adventure attended me more and more infrequently. In fact, for the past several years, I hadn’t even thought about those delicious flights of fancy. I owe part of that to the three horses tromping around in my field. They have acquainted me with a less romanticized perspective of equine ownership–a perspective integrally tied to my dwindling bank account.
So I must say that the last thing I expected was to ever again experience the intensity of emotion invested in my prepubescent equine fantasies. Yet just the other day, out of the blue, my childhood dream unexpectedly popped out of the brush beside the four-wheeler trail just a stone’s throw from my house. There she was, wild and white, with ears perked and nostrils flaring, just like I had seen her in my daydreams. I went to my knees, gasping with the vivid shock of longing that belted me hard in the solar plexus.
I cannot describe what the next few minutes were like. Papa Hemingway would have been able to describe it for you if he were still alive. Too bad I can’t tell my story to him and let him seize your imagination in that inimitable way of his…
He was an old man who walked alone on the trail. He had gone forty-three years now without glimpsing a wild horse. For the first thirteen years, a boy had lived inside of him. But after thirteen years without catching a horse, his parents had told him that he was the worst form of daydreamer, and he had better get on with his life.
It made the boy in him sad to see the old man return from his walk each day with his dream empty. The old man would shuffle to the barn and take the soft rope halter down from its rusty nail. He had braided it when the boy’s hands were still smooth and pink, but it had never been worn. These days the old man would inspect the halter with deep-creased hands and then hang it back on its nail like a flag of permanent defeat.
The old man was thin and gaunt in the shoulders with deep wrinkles in the front of his shirt where his pecs should have been. The sodden bulge of a developing paunch strained against the shirt buttons above his belt buckle. Everything about him seemed old and weary. The old man knew he was living on borrowed time but his eyes were not ready to give up yet.
There were a few leaves still hanging from the trees and the urgent wind of Alaska’s autumn made them shiver. He thrust his fists deep into his pockets and leaned forward into that wind as it came down from the mountains. He inhaled deeply, taking in the clean early morning smell of frost on dead fireweed stalks. A rose hip caught his eye. He felt embarrassed by its shriveled and misshapen tenacity, clinging to its naked branch so long after the first freeze. He picked up a stick and tried to knock it to the ground, but its stem was anchored deeply among the thorns and refused to surrender its grip.
The stubborn rose hip reminded the old man of himself. Why should he force it to give up? He tossed the stick away. From the patch of low bush cranberries where it landed four spruce chickens whirred up one after another into his face almost. Then they veered sharply away to land in a cluster of black spruce. From their perch they peered at the old man, heads bobbing at him in silent laughter.
The old man didn’t blame them. When you have lived as long as the old man had, you have a lot of fine things you can remember. When you think back over a cup of hot coffee on the things you have loved in life, your memories should bring you pleasure. Old men should be content with that. But all the memories that came dancing out of the crackling flames of his wood stove at the end of the day were not enough. He could not expect the mocking spruce grouse to understand why he could not contentedly fade away like everybody seemed to expect. He didn’t understand it himself. But the boy inside him knew. He was made to catch and befriend a wild horse. He needed that memory. That need kept him alive.
He pushed his fists back into his pockets and began to work his way down the trail, humming the theme from “Hidalgo”. The sun, rising thinly from behind the low mountains to the east, cast tree shadows like groping fingers against the frosted ground. In the fall the frost was always there and he did not give it any notice. Between the shadows the sun was warming the frost into fading tendrils of mist. Small birds blew in the wind and the wind turned their feathers. Fifty yards ahead something moved in the brush. Then it stepped out onto the path. The old man stopped in mid-stride. There were two of them. A big brown one and a small white one. The old man went to his knees, gasping as the vivid shock of longing struck his stomach like a hard-fisted right hook.
When he could breathe again, the old man eased to his feet delicately and softly, and his left hand slowly began to unclasp the buckle from beneath the bulge of his paunch. He wished he had the bridle that hung in the barn on the rusty nail, but it was too far. There was no time. A belt would have to do.
The mare swung her head around to stare at him. The wind had backed into a little breeze that was blowing his scent away from her so that she was trying to identify him by sight. He stood still to let her look and he took a good look at her. He could see her long face tapering the wrong direction to a nose like a boxing glove. Gaping nostrils drooped over her front lip. She seemed to be made up of random parts of other animals. She had the beard of a goat, the legs of an arthritic giraffe and the shoulder hump of a grizzly bear. The old man couldn’t tell if she had any tail at all. The ears that were perked in his direction belonged to a mule. She was an exceptionally ugly horse and clearly her filly had inherited the same mismatched features. Any decent horse breeder would have shot them both on sight to prevent them from infecting his stock.
Yet it was just that outcast quality that stoked the fires of the old man’s boyhood fantasies. He would befriend this ugly little white filly who had been so misunderstood and rejected. Their souls would be joined in a mystic union of mutual respect and eternal friendship. The white filly’s mule ears were perked and her nostrils flared just like the boy inside him had seen in his daydreams. He had almost forgotten how much the dream could hurt. A chill still hung in the air but the old man felt the sweat trickle down the back of his neck.
“Little white filly,” he said aloud. “I am going to catch you. I am going to catch you or die trying.”
He shouldn’t have spoken. The mare flicked her ears twice and moved away across the road in a rollicking canter that was deceptively fast for such a comical gait. The filly went along, pressed against her left flank. The old man froze and held his breath. In the ditch on the other side of the road the horses stopped again. The old man exhaled softly with relief and scolded himself. Think of what you are doing. You must do nothing stupid. I wish I was a boy again, he thought. But you aren’t a boy. You are just an old man with a belt and it is up to you.
The mare was looking in his direction again. The old man’s thighs were cramping and his poised hand had begun to quiver with fatigue. He looked at his hand in disgust. What kind of a hand is that? He willed it to stop quivering. Cramp if you must. Make yourself into a claw. It will do you no good. You will remain motionless until I am dead if I ask you to. A raven came from somewhere behind him, tacking sideways in the wind. The old man could see that the bird was very tired. The raven settled in the ditch between the old man and the horses and began to strut back and forth, plumping his feathers. That seemed to comfort the mare. She abruptly flicked her ears again and began stripping the bark from a willow sapling. The white filly dropped her head and nibbled at something on the ground.
“That’s it”, the old man smiled to himself. “Keep eating. Don’t be shy, horses. Doesn’t that taste lovely? Eat it up now. ” He dropped to his hands and knees. The high shoulder of the road rose up to hide him from the suspicious mare. Steadily, the old man began to crawl, ignoring the rocks that tore his hands and bruised his knees. When he had reached the spot where the horses had crossed the road he raised himself up slowly and steadily.
The horses were just across the pavement from him now. Their rumps were toward him and now he could clearly see that they had no tails worth mentioning. Someone had trimmed them back until they resembled a Rottweiler’s tail. In fact their manes were gone too. Such human cruelty nauseated the old man. Once he caught the filly he could fix that. With enough love and oats and time the hair would certainly grow back.
He felt a surge of delight to be so close to his dream. For a moment he saw himself sitting on the filly’s back smacking that white rump with a cowboy hat, but he knew she would not let him do that. Not yet. I must convince her, he thought. I must never let her learn her strength nor what she could do if she took a dislike to me. He knew that it would be hard to sneak up on her. He would only have one chance. The old man fed the end of the belt through the buckle to form a noose. He let it slide, controlling the buckle with his forefinger and thumb until he had enough of a loop to throw over her head when the right instant arose.
The old man crouched to make himself as small as possible. He started to work his way across the road. It was easy to tiptoe quietly on the pavement, but when his feet crunched into the gravel shoulder the mare’s head swung around. Her ears probed and her nostrils quivered as she searched for him. The old man was off-balance and felt himself tottering. He had no choice but to shift his footing. In that moment, the mare licked her lips and the hair rose along the ridge of her grizzly hump. Then the mule ears flattened against her skull and she came at him with a rush. The filly bawled and scooted into the brush.
The old man saw the mare rearing above him, hooves flailing. In moments like that it is curious how a man’s mind works. The thing that he noticed was that her unshod hooves were in bad shape. The bottoms were deeply split all the way up to the fetlock. He didn’t have time to notice any more details. The hooves were coming down toward him then. He rolled beneath her belly, aiming for the gap between her hind legs. That was a mistake. The hind legs danced upon him with numbing blows to his ribcage and neck. The old man kept rolling. He had never before seen a horse that could kick all four directions at once. It was impossible to escape her fury.
The old man grew desperate. At this rate he would never be able to catch the white filly. Just then both of the mare’s rear hooves connected with his paunch. The impact lifted him clear of the ground and he closed his eyes against the pain as he tacked in the wind like the raven had done. He seemed to spin slowly through the air. Now she has beaten me, he thought. I am too old to catch wild fillies. But I will not give up as long as I have legs to run and arms to cast a belt noose. He had let go of the belt, though. As it turned out, he did not need it. He opened his eyes very wide as he felt a tremendous impact between his legs. It was the white filly. The old man had landed on her back.
The filly seemed to be as startled as he was. With a braying sort of bleat she started to run. The old man wrapped his arms around her neck and wove his fingers tightly into her dense white coat. She moved like a runaway rollercoaster, scraping the old man against birch trunks and shredding him through willow thickets. Still he hung on with teeth gritted, flopping against her hump. His face cracked into the back of her skull. He felt the cartilage sever in the bridge of his nose. The white of the filly’s neck was suddenly covered with a rush of crimson. A pink cloud seemed to pass before his eyes. The cloud was full of blinking spots. He felt something pluck at his collar. Then the daylight contracted into a bright white dot and went out.
He dreamed of vast herds of wild Lipizzaners thundering across the tundra. It was the time of their mating and they leaped high into the air and twirled in an awesome spectacle of synchronized dressage. Then he dreamed that he danced with them under the northern lights and the herd was nuzzling him and nickering soft greetings.
He woke with a jerk. The jerk was his neighbor who prodded him and asked if he was all right and why was he dangling all bloodied from a birch branch by his shirt collar. The old man felt faint and sick and could not see well. But he kicked out at his neighbor and the motion caused him to spin in a little circle. The spin twisted his collar onto the birch branch until he began to strangle and the pink cloud came back. The neighbor cut him down just before the bright white dot went out.
“Don’t sit up,” the neighbor said. He handed the old man a canteen.
The old man took it and drank from it.
“She beat me,” he said. “She truly beat me.”
“That was a big moose. I saw her. The albino calf too.”
The old man knew that the neighbor would not understand. He spat something strange and it felt like something in his chest was broken. He also realized that the boy inside him was dead. The boy’s dream was dead too.
“Can you help me back to my house?” he asked the neighbor. “I need a clean shirt and something to eat.”
Ten minutes later, in his house the old man was sleeping again. He was sleeping on his face and the neighbor was sitting by him watching him. The old man was dreaming of butchering horses.
When I was a kid, I read a lot. My Dad was a pastor, and often during the week he would take me along as he went calling on members of his flock. I guess most kids would go crazy waiting for their father to be finished holding the hand of a bedfast octogenarian who was reciting her list of medications, as well as the names and life histories of her fifty-two great grandchildren. Not me! As long as the octogenarian owned a reasonably well-stocked bookshelf, I was content. When it came time to go I would have to be coaxed out of the corner where I had retreated into the imaginary world I had discovered within the pages of my book.
In a pinch, I could read just about anything: vintage issues of the Ladies Home Journal, Shakespeare, poetry, comic books, history, crock pot manuals, biographies, The Wall Street Journal, ghost stories, Chilton’s, the TV Guide… Once, while my Father was preoccupied with a marital counseling session, I rummaged around for reading material until I was lucky enough to discover a fascinating heart-shaped box tied with faded ribbon and full of yellowed letters.
Boy, did that box ever shed light on the dating habits of the counselees! It was nearly more than I could take. It did puzzle me, however; why two people who had called each other all those embarrassingly mushy names during their courtship would now require my Father’s intervention to save their marriage. I finally concluded that their change of heart had occurred simultaneously with the purchase of corrective lenses. Clearly, the physical attributes by which they had described each other in the letters in no way matched the balding plump couple my father was counseling. Once they had discovered their error, the shock must have been devastating.
At any rate, although I could read anything to kill time, my favorite genre was romantic swashbuckling adventure fiction. Show me a shelf full of The Hardy Boys, Sir Walter Scott, or Mark Twain and I was like an alcoholic in a brewery. When he finally found me, Dad would have to detox me by forcing me outside to ride my bike for an hour.
Of course, as strung out as my imagination was from all that reading, I never even realized I was on a bicycle. It was a Sopwith Camel, and I was Major William “Snoopy” Barker, hammering away with my Vickers machine gun at the Red Baron as we dogfought to the death, high above Britain. Or else the bike was a galloping destrier that I, the gallant Ivanhoe, rode with fixed lance down the list toward Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert as I strove to win the favor of fair Lady Rowena.
I experienced a phase during which I was obsessed with medieval adventures. Pirates were cool, and cowboys were neat, but there was just something about the middle ages that sent shivers up and down my spine. I guess it was the chivalry of it all—King Arthur and the Round Table, Sir George and the dragon, damsels in distress, knights in shining armor, looming stone castles with ivy-choked turrets where beautiful princesses were held captive…
Whenever I got an afternoon free to play with other kids, somehow we eventually wound up playing knights. The variety of ordinary household items that can serve as an improvised sword or shield is amazing. As the last beleaguered combatants would call a truce at the end of a backyard battle, the field of honor was frequently strewn with trash can lids, pointy sticks, hubcaps fitted with drawer-pull handles, yardsticks, pool cues, pipes, roaster lids, tire irons, sofa cushions, fireplace pokers, and an eyeball or two.
Unfortunately, mothers never appreciate the glory of such things. They always feel compelled to meddle in a boy’s good clean fun. One day the mother of Sir Rory of Boogerhead happened upon our battlefield before we had a chance to clean it up, sort out the eyeballs and return them to their owners. She took one look and fled shrieking back across the drawbridge into the castle where she re-emerged shortly with reinforcements. We rallied our troops and bravely defended our position that day, but, alas, we faced a superior force. The bleak terms of our surrender dictated that for the rest of our lives we were forbidden to participate in any form of play that involved sword fighting, on pain of flogging and banishment to the dungeon without any supper.
As you can imagine, our ability to slay dragons, rescue fair damsels, and fend off the barbarian hordes that threatened our kingdom became significantly curtailed for a while. For a week or so, we desultorily attempted to find something to do, but all efforts proved hollow and meaningless. Our mothers mocked us with sneering suggestions that we play softball, or fly a kite, or play with Legos, or build a model or throw a Frisbee or something, but we steadfastly resisted their efforts to enslave us with such mundane and loathsome tasks.
At length, noble Duke Josh DeDork struck upon a solution to our problem. “Did we not,” quoth he, “but swear to curtail our feats of armes with edged weapons?” That was true. “How now do we then sulk about like whipped curs, sith we be skilled, one and all, in sundry types of weaponrie?” The guy was a genius! Why hadn’t we thought of it before?
Immediately there was a mad rush as knight and footman, squire and knave dove for anything that would not technically qualify as a sword. Moments later, the delicious sound of battle rose once again above the towers of Camelot. The pipe that had been a falchion became a mace. The pool cue that had previously served as a claymore, now smote mightily as a quarterstaff. The poker broadsword was a war hammer. The tire-iron which in days of yore had cloven helm and shield as a barbarian scramasax, now struck fear into the hearts of its enemies when wielded as a spiked cudgel.
Some poet should write an epic about that battle. More blood was spilled, “time-out-no-faired”, and spilled again, than soaked the fields of Agincourt, Crecy, Tours, Towton, Hastings, and Bannockburn combined. Then disaster struck. Above the shouts of battle lust and the pitiful moans of the wounded, came a horrible roar from our flank. Both armies turned as one man to see the massed Mother infantry nearly upon us at full charge. Overcome with terror at the spectacle, I am ashamed to admit that we cast down our weapons and fled the onslaught.
Ruthlessly, the Mother horde hunted us down and drug us from our hiding places, callously ignoring our plaintive wails. Our calls for quarter fell on deaf ears. The retribution they meted upon us was an awful thing to see, but more awful yet to experience. For what seemed like years afterwards, I remained a forgotten, nameless prisoner, wasting away in the Bastille of my room.
When finally liberated, I crept out of my cell, a broken and emaciated husk of a kid. I eventually tracked down a few other survivors of the massacre. They, like I, were but shades of their former selves. The spirit had gone out of them, and I could not persuade them to reconstruct our former exploits.
There was a short-lived period, however, when I thought we might be getting back on track. You see, although we could no longer participate in any sort of melee combat, I was able to create a mild interest among my former comrades in the development of siege weaponry. I was even able to negotiate a truce from the Mother Alliance allowing us to explore the concept purely for “research purposes” for an alleged science project, after swearing that we would not even think of using them on each other.
The catapult proved interesting. When we used it to hurl the neighbor’s cat into the pond, for a moment, I thought I saw the old spark return to my comrades’ eyes. However, we could never catch the cat again, and we only had so many rotten pumpkins in our garden. Once they were used up the novelty faded.
Then there was the trebuchet. It turned out to be a lot more work then we had anticipated, and the first time we tried to use it, we forgot to move Sir Jimmy the Freckles’ Dad’s new toolbox out of the way before the counterweight slammed down and crunched it. That was the end of Sir Jimmy’s participation, and nobody else’s dad would let them use their tools.
In a last desperate gambit, I attempted to build a replica of Archimedes’ Claw. It took a great deal of persuading to convince my friends to help me. Enthusiastically, I regaled them with a riveting historical description of the giant crane swiveling over the walls of Syracuse to let down a grappling hook which snagged the ships of the attacking Roman fleet, capsizing them, legions and all. Their imagination stirred at last, they assisted me. It might have been the beginning of the long trip back to glory and honor if Sir Rory hadn’t blown it.
As I became distracted with some calculations, he let down the grappling hook behind the Marquis de Jerry’s little brother Petey. Then it was that Sir Rory of Boogerhead had the wisdom and foresight to raise it suddenly. The grappling hook caught on the back of Petey’s britches, and hoisted him in the air. It was at just that moment that the Marquis’ mother emerged from the castle to see her baby squalling like a butchered hog as he dangled eight feet in the air by a massive wedgie.
I’m fortunate that I enjoyed reading. It was the only thing that kept me sane in the Bastille for the next twenty-odd years or so. I tried to build a battering ram to break out, but I couldn’t find anything with which to disassemble my bed frame. By the time I emerged, my quests of knight errantry had receded to become vague memories shrouded in the merciful mist of history. I didn’t mind, though. I had developed a new interest in improvised explosives and Viet Cong man traps.
It gnaws at me the way a mouth full of canker sores feels when you’re eating a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips. With each breath, I inhale the poisonous memories of treachery and betrayal. The one I have taken in and cared for as my own has absorbed my love and given nothing but pain in return. I dream of leaving her, but I cannot. I am trapped. Moonbeam is the only vehicle I have.
My suburban, Panzer, died suddenly in his sleep a couple of months ago. I suspect that Moonbeam killed him in some way. Why she would do that I can only guess. I don’t see how it could have been jealousy, as much as she seems to resent belonging to me. I suppose it was simply another way to hurt me, like she delights to do any chance she gets. She wanted to bring me under her power—to reduce me to a position where I was dependent on her so that she could gloat in my desperation when she refused to work at the moment of my greatest need.
I hope you don’t think I’m crazy for naming my car, but once I discovered that cars are people too, we have named every car that joins our family. It all started with Herbie, a 1970 Dodge Omni who was, of course, named after the movie star. Even though our Herbie wasn’t a VW bug with a cool racing stripe, he had a distinct personality.
Herbie had a sense of humor. He would wait until my wife got in and had made it down the road a piece, and then the noise would begin. It might be a whine, a clank, a whistle, a rattle, or the “1812 Overture”. Whatever it was, it would scare my wife to death. She would make a U-turn, and to hear her tell it, barely make it home. Apparently, Herbie would impersonate one of those little clown cars with the square tires and the comical sound effects all the way to the driveway.
Herbie knew when I was listening, though. As soon as he hit the end of the driveway, he would drop the act and start purring like a kitten. This nearly drove my dear wife to tears. She would climb out, all hot and bothered and beg me to do something before the little fella blew himself up. Of course, I had no clue what she was talking about, so I would, according to my wife, look at her funny.
“I’m serious!” she would nearly sob. “I could hardly keep the thing on the road. It was all I could do to keep a hold of the steering wheel, the vibration was so bad. And the sound was deafening—like somebody knocking over a steel cabinet full of dinner plates and accordions onto a concrete floor. And the lights! Every light on the dash started to flash “Mayday” in Morse code. Please, George, I’m not driving it another inch until you fix it.”
I’d walk out to find Herbie purring as natural and nonchalant as if he were in the dealer showroom. My wife wouldn’t be satisfied until I had changed the oil, tightened the belts, changed the spark plugs, cleaned the battery terminals, vacuumed the carpet, and washed and waxed it. In retrospect I now see that Herbie just wanted the attention.
For the longest time I thought my wife was hallucinating. It didn’t help her credibility when she came home one day with a triumphant look on her face.
“Herbie was really acting up today.”
“I’ve got proof.”
“Yep, I was driving down the street, and I heard this huge clattering bang. It was so loud that I knew something had broken. I stopped and got out, and sure enough, there lying in the road was a big part that had fallen off of Herbie. It was really heavy, but I picked it up and opened the hatchback and put it in.”
“A big, heavy part fell off? Was it a muffler?”
“I don’t know, come look at it.”
Look at it I did, but I wish I hadn’t. I made her take the part back and put it in the street exactly where she found it. I think they arrest people for stealing manhole covers.
From that point on I wouldn’t believe her stories until the day she convinced me to try something. I felt really stupid at first, putting on an act for a car, but women can be really persuasive sometimes. We both walked out on the front porch where Herbie could see us. My wife had her purse in one hand and Herbie’s keys in the other.
“Say, George,” She sang out loudly, making sure to enunciate and project for the benefit of our audience, “I need some things at the store. I think I’ll make a quick run to town. Do you want to come along?”
“Oh, no thank you!” I called, feeling the hot embarrassment creep up my neck, “I am feeling quite tired now. I believe I will take a nap while you’re gone.”
We kissed, then she climbed in Herbie and started the engine. I waved goodbye, and made a vast show of stretching and yawning. Then as my wife shifted into reverse, I turned and sauntered back inside. As soon as I was out of view of Herbie, I grabbed my toolbox which I had pre-positioned, and raced out the back door. I ducked through the back yard and sprinted to the concealed vantage point of a thick tangle of brush beside the road.
No sooner had I gotten into position when I saw Herbie pull out of our driveway. Wouldn’t you know it, as soon as his tires hit the pavement, he began to lurch and hop and squeal like a stuck pig! I could hardly believe my eyes. When he drew abreast of me I leaped from the bushes brandishing a wrench.
You never saw a more surprised look on a car’s face. His headlights opened as wide as basketballs, and he braked so hard, I thought he was going to bury his front bumper in the road. From that time on I advised Gaylene to carry a wrench with her and show it to him whenever he tried anything.
Not a sparkplug wrench, or an oil-pan wrench, mind you, but a great big honkin’ wrench like you would use to dismantle the transaxle, or jerk out the head gasket or something. It seemed to work. Herbie must have gotten the hint, because after that he settled down and became a sensible, dependable mode of transportation until the arthritis in his suspension system got so bad that we had to put him down.
We’ve had a few colorful characters since then. There was Oscar the K-car who liked to spit his CV joint bearings into the snow at 40 below at least 4 or 5 times a winter. There was Clifford the Nissan King Cab who hated wearing windows. He would take any opportunity he could to find something to knock them against. I think they made him hot and itchy. Oh, yeah. I mustn’t forget to mention Sylvester. We eventually modified his name to Slyvester Stallin’. Perhaps you can guess why he got that name.
There have been others, but I don’t think any have been as deviously malicious as Moonbeam, my current rig. You would think a blue Mercury Villager mini-van would have a sweet disposition, wouldn’t you? Nothing doing! Moonbeam thinks it’s funny to lock her doors when the keys are inside, but when I’m in Fairbanks and I have a load of expensive stuff, do you think she’ll lock for me? Noooooo, of course not.
I push the electronic lock button, and she clicks it off again. I lock again, she unlocks. Lock. Unlock. Lock! Unlock! Click, click, click, click! I wind up walking around and manually locking each door, and even then, half the time as soon as I get finished locking the last door—Click! You guessed it. She pops them all unlocked.
By sheer determination, I usually stick it out until I win. The doors finally stay locked. I peer at them suspiciously for several moments until I’m sure the battle is over, then turn to walk away. “Honk!” She just has to get in the last word.
Where the battle really rages, though is in the arena of winter starting. Moonbeam refuses to run in the cold. I’ve tried to winterize her, but as soon as she saw that block heater coming, she squinched up so tight there wasn’t enough clearance to install it. So I bought a circulating heater, but I swear that she reconfigured her hoses to make it impossible to install that either.
The other day it was a bit nippy. 40 below or so. My wife took Moonbeam to town, squawking and protesting the whole way. Moonbeam did some protesting too. By the time she returned, Moonbeam seemed to have become resigned to the fact that we wanted to ride her that day. My wife parked her. Three hours later I decided I had better go start her and let her run a spell so that I could get to work the next day. Wouldn’t you know it! Moonbeam had gone on strike. She simply refused to start.
I drained her oil, brought it in, heated it on the woodstove, and poured it back down her throat. You would have thought she would have appreciated that. Nope! I covered her with a blanket and tucked an electric heater under her chin. Nada. I even went so far as to lay on the ground and caress her belly with a heat gun until my fingers froze solid and shattered into little shards inside my mittens. She couldn’t have cared less.
My love was spurned, and my generosity was crushed under her tires like so much road kill. If I didn’t need her so badly, I would just drive her into a gravel pit somewhere, drop a grenade into her gas tank and walk away. But she has me where she wants me. I need her, and she knows it. As much as it pained me to do it, I drug out the kerosene space heater and blasted her down with hot air until she relented.
Perhaps I shouldn’t complain. I remember the days in Moose Hole when I had to coax Herbie to start. Every night I would disconnect the battery and carry it in by the wood stove, along with the generator. In the morning, I’d get up two hours early, haul the generator outside, plug in Herbie, and let his circulating heater work.
Then I’d slide a piece of stove pipe up under his oil pan and burn a weedburner in the other end until the oil on the bottom of the oil pan caught fire. That would be my signal to douse the flames with snow, then race inside, grab the battery, hook it up before the oil reverted back to jello, and start him up.
That was a serious pain in the neck, but at least Herbie had a sense of humor about it. You can’t really stay mad at a car when he’s grinning at you and cracking jokes the whole time. Moonbeam, on the other hand, is pure evil. She thinks she’s getting away with it now, but her day of reckoning will come.
Someday I’m going to come home with a friendly vehicle. A big vehicle. Something with monster tires. I’ll name him Abrams and I’ll tell him about Panzer. He’ll make Moonbeam his personal parking lot. Just wait and see.
The winter Olympics are commandeering a lot of news time lately. It’s a great thing, competition and all. Training hard, facing formidable odds, bringing home the gold for your country, abusing steroids—these are epic deeds and certainly newsworthy. I don’t begrudge those spandex-wearing, ridiculously beautiful people their well-earned publicity. I just feel a slight twinge of jealousy that the Moose Hole Olympics never got equal recognition back when I was a kid.
In retrospect, I suppose we wouldn’t have liked it if we had gotten it. We wanted to maintain a low profile, we were simply innovating ways to entertain ourselves on those long winters in bush Alaska. We may not have had teams of crack international reporters, poking several million dollars worth of electronic equipment in our faces at every move, but that didn’t stop us from pouring our very souls into astounding demonstrations of athletic prowess.
Just about anyone can strap a pair of glorified Popsicle sticks on his feet and jump off a mountain. As long as a slippery inclined surface, gravity, and a human being converge at the same point in the space-time continuum, the person is going to wind up at the bottom of the slippery inclined surface. It’s a law of nature. However if you rename it “skiing” and invite other Popsicle stick owners from around the world to fall down a mountain with you, suddenly we find footage of the event being beamed around the world on prime-time television. The participant who happens to arrive at the bottom soonest and with the most panache, gets a big gold nickel on a strap and never has to work again. It’s a complete racket!
A much more challenging winter downhill sport is “hooding”. If sports reporters were actually interested in recording a contest that showcases the heart-pounding adrenaline rush of fierce competition, they would have been all over Ptarmigan Knob when I was a kid. There they would have seen it all—the indomitablility of the human spirit, dreams and aspirations transformed into triumph or tragedy by a few moments of ruthless fate and breathless skill.
Yet, in spite of those glorious exploits on Ptarmigan Knob, the term “hooding” is a micro colloquialism limited to but a handful of living humans. Specifically, it is reserved to the vocabularies of the following: Me; my brother, Justin; Larry Fred; the twins, Jack and Jill Smorkstini; Donna Sam; Anika Van der Veen; and “Walrus” Fahnestock.
Only we eight who smirked at death on Ptarmigan Knob 25 years ago can understand the camaraderie forged there. For the rest of you, a little background would be helpful. Ptarmigan Knob was the name of the tailbone of a granite spine that snaked for 15 miles from Moose Hole to the caribou birthing fields atop the windswept tundra of McCollum Plateau. Alascom had built a microwave tower atop Ptarmigan Knob, affording Moose Holians the immense recreational advantage of an access road.
The road turned off of the highway on the floor of the Tanana River Valley at Moose Hole Lake. From there it snaked its way through alder thickets, black spruce stands and poplar groves until it had gained a thousand feet of elevation in three miles of hairpin switchbacks. There at the summit the road ended at a chain link fence that enclosed “The Tower”.
You weren’t supposed to go inside the fence and mess around with The Tower. There were imposing looking signs to that effect–at least they had been imposing prior to a decade of target practice. Besides, The Tower was taller than it looked. About half way up, you’d get a sudden rush of vertigo when you looked down, that nearly washed you off of the narrow steel ladder. It was a really weird feeling…er…so I’ve been told. But the access road provided plenty of leisure activity on its own. ATVing, snow machining, hunting, sledding—there were lots of things to do on the Ptarmigan Knob tower access road.
However, the most memorable times of my brash youth involved activities that could only be reached by little-known trails branching off of the access road. For instance, if you parked at The Tower fence and skirted it to the right, you would drop down off of the gravel pad into a nice little birch wood. There was barely a trail there, but if you knew where you were going, you could walk southwest for about five minutes to a place where the trees suddenly stopped growing.
A few feet from the tree line, a massive fist of gnarled rock marked the border between a wooded ridge and the end of the Earth. It wasn’t the end of the Earth actually, just the Southeast Face of Ptarmigan Knob. Although it wasn’t technically a vertical drop, for the first hundred yards it might as well have been.
We called that first hundred yards “The Bare Spot”. Nothing grew on it except a couple of scraggly willows. Snow didn’t even accumulate there. It either slid to the bottom or blew away, but enough snow and ice would remain to disguise the razor-sharp warts of rock that punctuated The Bare Spot, like magnets on a wall of frozen grease.
At the bottom of The Bare Spot, where the slope abruptly flattened out to a more respectable angle, a dense wall of trees sprang up. They were big trees, stout and unyielding, with their feet planted solidly in a tangled concertina of alder and rose bushes. It was here that the sport of hooding was practiced.
Donna Sam would be the one to give the annual signal that it was time for the opening of the Moose Hole Winter Hooding Olympics. She lived in a cabin at the base of Ptarmigan Knob, so she was able to monitor the condition of the slope. As soon as enough of a glaze had developed on The Bare Spot she passed the word.
We didn’t waste much time on opening ceremonies, but it was traditional to light a bonfire on top of the gnarled rock fist before we got started. When there was enough light to see between the bonfire and the blurred gray glow that serves as an Alaskan winter morning daybreak, the Smorkstini twins and Walrus would fade back into the brush to retrieve the hoods from where they were stashed under a pile of spruce boughs.
There were two hoods. One came off of a ‘53 Chevy, while the genealogy of the other one was less certain. Any logos, emblems or distinctive contours had long ago been bounced, scraped or dented away, so that it was impossible to make a positive identification. Justin and Larry almost came to blows once arguing about it. My brother swore that the second hood was from a ’62 Ford stepside pickup, while Larry claimed he knew the exact ’57 Cadillac Coup de Ville that it used to belong to.
Just as Justin was about to bash Larry in the head with a burning spruce stick from the bonfire, Anika stepped between them and suggested that if they were real hooders, they would settle this the honorable way. With a malevolent grunt, Larry grabbed the hood in question and drug it to the nearest knuckle of the rock fist, while Justin poised himself on another with the Chevy hood. They teetered there for a moment, hoods held back by Jack and Walrus while Jill counted down.
Upon Jill’s shout of “go”, Jack and Walrus released their grip. The competitors leaned forward and shot out of sight. The rest of us rushed to the edge and peered over to witness the results. Larry was still airborne, his scream of terrified delight drifting back to us on the crisp breeze. Justin, however had caught one of the hidden rock warts with the edge of his hood, and was now spinning madly down the slope like a drunken top.
It turned out to be a draw, because although Larry reached at the bottom first, the hood arrived on top of him rather than the other way around. Justin was only a split second behind, his Chevy hood impacting a granddaddy cottonwood tree with a “clang” that pitched him face first into an enormous thicket of rose bushes. He was so dizzy from spinning that he wallowed around in them for several minutes before his equilibrium returned sufficiently for him to extricate himself.
That was one of the more unremarkable one-on-one hood races. Sometimes kids got hurt. Not all hooding events pitted single riders against each other, however. More frequently, hooding challenges pitted team against team. I wasn’t terribly fond of the team races because I inevitably got paired up with Walrus Fahnestock. It would be me and Walrus on one hood, and everybody else on the other one.
You see, when Walrus was on a hood, there was only room for one other person, and the girls and I were the only ones small enough to qualify. The girls absolutely refused to ride with him because he didn’t have running water at his house, and by the smell of things, no soap either. After I got used to his smell, I found out that teaming up with him was a really good experience half of the time, and a really bad experience the other half. It all depended on whether I landed on him, or he landed on me at the termination of our descent.
We never did tell our parents about our hooding forays. We sort of had an instinctive premonition that they wouldn’t understand. Even when one of us got hurt, we never divulged the actual cause of our injuries. The time Donna broke her leg hooding, we all said that Larry had run over her with a snow machine. When Jack and Jill both fractured their skulls in a collision with a rock, we claimed that they had been helping Walrus haul water up a hill, and that Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.
I don’t think I’d have the nerve to go hooding again at my age, but last summer I hiked to The Bald Spot just for old time’s sake. The Chevy hood is still there, rusted and battered, and home to a family of weasels. I stood on the fist and gazed downward. A lot of brush has grown up to shrink The Bald Spot, but not much else has changed in 25 years. I can still see the rock where Anika lost her finger, and the big scar is still visible on the bark of the tree where “The Great Pileup” occurred that destroyed the controversial hood and the bridge of Larry’s nose.
Yep, for all the glamor and glitter, I haven’t seen anything at the Winter Olympics that can come close to the adventure and competition that the Magnificent Eight experienced on Ptarmigan Knob. I’ve thought about suggesting that they add hooding to the roster of events at the official games, but I don’t think it would be the same. By the time they got finished establishing safety protocols for the sport, there would be helmets and seat belts and spandex leotards. I don’t even want to think about seeing Walrus in spandex leotards.